I am so afraid, even though it’s over.
I am so scared of losing whats long gone.
The plot was a body, and you fell back to the grave.
Air was forced into you, but you wouldn’t take it.
You couldn’t just fucking do this for me.
I can remember that lifeless little tremble; Your body shook in such a way during resuscitation. Your blood was drying, you were already gone.
We cleaned you up, and laid you down. I say goodbye all the time.
This is the first time I have truely had to miss someone I loved, knowing they aren’t going to come back. I am the one who leaves, and goes missing, not you.
Every night I try to lay as close to you as I can, but its never enough. the fear keeps me here, and im still waiting for you. The truth scares me to death.
I wait knowing you will never come back.
I am so afraid, even though it’s over.
It has officially been one month since I have shared this little world with my brother.
My pain sings a new song everyday. For the first time in my life it is such a wretched thing that I find a chance to sing those so often. My loss, is a devastating and heavy one. A loss that trembles every pour, and ounce of blood in my body. Makes thorns grow on my blood cells, and tears my body while it courses through me. All the while, I have to face the world and act like I am still happy to work these jobs, and pay for all this and that; Basic struggles, of the world seem to be near impossible to bear. I lost my brother. This, has only become harder with time.
I hate that I am reminded so much, but I try so hard to not avoid. Not to veer around the things that bring my little brother to mind. I want to grow comfortable, but I will never find a way that, laying face down, with a knife at my heart.
I am running out of things to say about it. it is just a horrid fucking void, and I just want it to suck me in. I am never going to understand the ambitious motives that lead to your sudden demise. Remembering that slow moving ambulance pulling up; Foreshadowing a herse and we could feel it, but didn’t want to believe it. Me and dad wait in the frigid weather so scared. Seeing your bloody body carted off so carelessly while your chest is lifelessly and relentlessly pumping up and down, over and over. And then seeing your body under that humble shroud. The sickening black and blue line around your neck..How can 15 short years, lead to this? In the six years between us, I could have sworn I knew and learned more about this life then you, but I was so wrong. Clearly, I just haven’t lived, if you have seen enough to leave so soon. What am I doing? what am I in for?
I sit here wanting to type questions, but I know you took the answers with you. As soon as I convince myself of something, or think im onto something, I soon find out i’m completely wrong. I just love you EJ, and I would literally do anything for you to take this back. I have never had to miss someone, knowing that I will never, ever see them again. Not someone I loved so much anyhow. What a sorrowing, dampening feeling. Smothering, and hollow.
I stared into your blank eyes as you laid dead on a metal table with a white sheet. Your mouth open, blood on your little nose. Your cheeks were so cold and I swear my heart has not been the same since I kissed your forehead goodbye. I can’t believe how hopeless you must have felt to tie that necktie around that knob and then around your neck and end it all in a few minutes. 15 years old and now it’s all over. What the fuck. Why the fuck did you do this and why could I not save you.
Your loss bonnets my sunshine, and turns my days into two.
Im trying so hard to find new changes, open new doors, but I am hesitant to close others.
Moms not making this any easier either. She gave everything you owned away before anyone could see it, and will only make appearances when attention starved, and impressively drunk.
My grandma told me that this would never get easier, it will only become easier to deal with. This is brashly rendering itself true.
I remembering confiding in my friend and saying, “I literally want to just run into the road and bash my head into the asphalt till a car comes and wipes me away.” It’s not even that I want to die. In an odd way, quite the opposite. Im clinging to life as I know it, begging to see sheer joy again. But the reference is a genuine wish to cry over something else. Sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I find myself only really being swayed by embellished and exaggerated movements. “the little things” seem just worthless. I am just blessed to have nice weather the last couple days. Someone told me it was EJ shining down on me. I don’t know if that’s a good thought. Because I don’t know if I like to entertain the thought enjoying a day in the sun, and then knowing my little brother wont ever be around to share it with.
I can’t help but wonder. Or rather; be haunted by some things. Questions, about my little brother. Do you realize who and what you truely left behind? I am not saying you blew it, or that life is so grand, because it’s not. But the pain that coursed through you is now dispersed between everyone who loved you, and especially me. I feel as though I may have taken the biggest loss. I know you had great friends. Mom, dad, grandma all are hurt, but I feel that the biggest piece of me has left. I spent the most time with you growing up. We were always up to something. And I tried my best to shape you into something true. You really soared, and I was always so proud. I just wish I would have expressed that more. I feel that I helped raise you, and always did what I could to protect you. I hope you knew that.
I could go on forever about the questions, the wonder, the pain, the sadness, the loss…truely I could. I just want it to stop. But Nothing can replace my brother, and nothing can bring him back. So fucking tell me; How is this all supposed to stop? Time heals all wounds, but I don’t have time to tend to my wounds, it seems.
I just hate everything, or at least I want to. Im lashing out so badly. I spent all but six years of my life without you in my life, and I just don’t know how. Family and friends have made attempts to come together, but I still can’t help but want to separate myself from them, as well as everyone else. I am so sorry. I don’t even know why. I just want my brother back. I know that’s so cliche to say, but I am tired of avoiding the obvious. Im tired of everything. I am just tired. Clearly you were too.
"And brother have you felt, the great peace that we all seek? you say take a look around, if there’s a god then he must be asleep."
I love you EJ.
This is the first time in my life, that after the initial pain, it gets worse.
Like a tear in the flesh, your body immediately reacts and begins to repair, and replenish; But not this time. I feel a searing pain grow deep in my heart more and more every single day. I bent over backwards trying to stand up straight and lead for you, and now I have a broken back, a broken heart, a loss, and a shattering storm everytime the night comes. I just cry for you. I cry for your pain. I cry for your love, your smile. You asking me to come hang out more. ….Its over, the end. How the fuck does it work like that?
I would give literally anything in the whole world to learn what it really meant to be brothers prior to these swift fifteen years. This is the first time I have been an only child since I was six years old and it’s the worst fucking feeling in the world. I looked to you. I leaned on you. You were my relief. I wish I didn’t pull that bullshit thing brothers do where they act like they don’t care that much when you are excited to see them, or hang out with them. Because it really did brighten my day. I loved getting to slow this world down for a second to show you a few things. I wanted you to be the best young man you could be, and I wish that I could have quit fucking worrying about you, take a step back and see that you were much greater then I could be. I was learning from you too. I was an older brother, but I know you took in more years then your age provided.
I am so proud of you. The impact on peoples lifes you have made is so vibrant. When mom and dad divorced, I immediately had to take up a fathering role towards you. I protected you, and taught you all I could. I remember you being right there, always eager to play in the driveway while mom was drunk and wrecking the house. We played basketball, skateboarded, and sat on the steps and talked all night. I loved you so much EJ. You were my best friend, and I know for sure that moms house would have swallowed me whole without you. My got me here, and I am forever in your debt; But as this, “multi-purpose” brother I claim to be, I have to take a step back see say, “you got me here, but I got you….there?” In the ground? How could you of possessed so much sadness in those 15 years? fucking how.
I have always made vast attempts to not regret things. There’s a few cliche statements that could be said to keep my attempts worth the while; “Everything happens for a reason.” “there is something to learn/something good in everything.” All those things. But I really can not justify me getting caught up in all the world to not keep up with you. I remember the struggle in my head. Trying to make a living, and get by….why the fuck couldnt I have made time for you?
I would have done anything for you. I just wish I would have shown you that more.
I am trying to take this head on, but I am wondering if I just really want to bash my head into something that bad. The smiles, laughs, bad jokes…I am just avoiding the loss of my flesh and blood. The little boy that got me through it all..I just can’t believe you are gone…….
You should have buried me first.
I cannot believe I have ever claimed to of been upset about anything before now. Past relationships, exchange of foul words, drama, anything. Anything that I could latched onto and claimed as me becoming, “Depressed.” I never truly knew what sadness was until the day my brother took his life. And I wish I never have, because I can never go back. That leads me to believe that the sadness will never end. I will never get to laugh with my little brother, and that marks the start of me working twice as hard for a smile, and taking twice as long to think of a reason to be happy. I have literally made a fool out of myself in attempts to be just have something to laugh at and smile. It is so much easier to suffer now. No matter how magnificent of a prison this life tries to seem, it is a prison none the less.
How can the devilish feelings that are sorrow and pain be so much stronger then man? How can you leave like this, Ej? I cry for you till I don’t have any moisture in my body to gather a tear, and only then will the tears quit falling. But I fall hard over, and over again. I am still drowning..
I am dreading tomorrow. Literally having a panic attack thinking about it. Tomorrow, is the day I put you in the ground. We couldn’t find a funeral home big enough for all the ones who you touched, and love you so much. I have to shake hands, take pictures, and act like I am happy to see all these people that are here to recognize that my beautiful little brother is no longer alive. Sure, I appreciate the support, and sure; I am happy to see alot of them. But, god damn it, I hate seeing people under these terms. I almost feel as though I am fixing to walk into a giant room that has the corpse of the person I am deeply and tragically mourning for glamorously on a pedestal for all to see. How fucking sick. I know; People say that the funeral is a time to recognize, celebrate, and remember his life. But that just doesn’t work for me. You are MY brother. I don’t want to share you anymore. I want to keep you safe under my wing, next to my heart. But it’s too late for that now.. This is single handedly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I have to carry your casket. I have to bury you tomorrow.
I am so devastated. The tears are taken from me, like the breaths from your lips.
I love you so much, Elijah.
You Are My Sunshine //Johnny Cash