Regardless of how early I have to get up, I always stay up too late.
It’s the only time I have to truly face my thoughts.
“What doesn’t kill you.”

Manchester Orchestra - I Can Feel A Hot One
17,681 plays

I can’t keep track of anything except the days since my brothers been gone.
I can’t get a break.
I am working, making descent money, and it’s miserable.
I am begging for something to give way, but I know that the only thing that can save me is my music. I just want the embrace of playing music full time again.
I am ready to re-locate, and live in a van again.
I need my passion and love to come save me.

La Dispute - First Reactions After Falling Through The Ice
1,796 plays

I will cut my hair short. Trust me, I will.
I will let my beard go. Trust me, I will.
I will never tempt fate, not once, I swear.
I will never trust ice.
I will never trust a thing.

The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again
13,247 plays
Day 59

Today marks two months.
Notice I have less and less to say.
The poetry is out. The romanticism in loss and death is gone.
I feel full of hate, and I want everything to fail.
I don’t even care if I fall too.

Day 42

This still continues to get harder.
I am swarmed by a nightmare.
I fucking hate everything, and I do lash out all the time.
I am so sorry you felt anything near to this, but I want to be such a selfish person and keep you here for me. These are the words of a fool, there is nothing I can do.

this is all hell.

I am so afraid, even though it’s over.
I am so scared of losing whats long gone.
The plot was a body, and you fell back to the grave.
Air was forced into you, but you wouldn’t take it.
You couldn’t just fucking do this for me.
I can remember that lifeless little tremble; Your body shook in such a way during resuscitation. Your blood was drying, you were already gone.
We cleaned you up, and laid you down. I say goodbye all the time.
This is the first time I have truely had to miss someone I loved, knowing they aren’t going to come back. I am the one who leaves, and goes missing, not you.
Every night I try to lay as close to you as I can, but its never enough. the fear keeps me here, and im still waiting for you. The truth scares me to death.
I wait knowing you will never come back.

Day 28

It has officially been one month since I have shared this little world with my brother.
My pain sings a new song everyday. For the first time in my life it is such a wretched thing that I find a chance to sing those so often. My loss, is a devastating and heavy one. A loss that trembles every pour, and ounce of blood in my body. Makes thorns grow on my blood cells, and tears my body while it courses through me. All the while, I have to face the world and act like I am still happy to work these jobs, and pay for all this and that; Basic struggles, of the world seem to be near impossible to bear. I lost my brother. This, has only become harder with time.
I hate that I am reminded so much, but I try so hard to not avoid. Not to veer around the things that bring my little brother to mind. I want to grow comfortable, but I will never find a way that, laying face down, with a knife at my heart.
I am running out of things to say about it. it is just a horrid fucking void, and I just want it to suck me in. I am never going to understand the ambitious motives that lead to your sudden demise. Remembering that slow moving ambulance pulling up; Foreshadowing a herse and we could feel it, but didn’t want to believe it. Me and dad wait in the frigid weather so scared. Seeing your bloody body carted off so carelessly while your chest is lifelessly and relentlessly pumping up and down, over and over. And then seeing your body under that humble shroud. The sickening black and blue line around your neck..How can 15 short years, lead to this? In the six years between us, I could have sworn I knew and learned more about this life then you, but I was so wrong. Clearly, I just haven’t lived, if you have seen enough to leave so soon. What am I doing? what am I in for?
I sit here wanting to type questions, but I know you took the answers with you. As soon as I convince myself of something, or think im onto something, I soon find out i’m completely wrong. I just love you EJ, and I would literally do anything for you to take this back. I have never had to miss someone, knowing that I will never, ever see them again. Not someone I loved so much anyhow. What a sorrowing, dampening feeling. Smothering, and hollow.